Total Eclipse of the Mind: An Eclipse Parody
by Kaki Enirtle
Summary: A sequel to New Noob. Edward filed a restraining order, Bella goes to college, Jabob never changes except to be a wolf . A battle between vampires occur because of a Midnight Sale. A/N: Chapter mix-up. It's fixed now
1. Chapter 1

I was still in shock. Edward had asked me...

..to stay away from him.

He also told me he was British. I was ok with that. But to stay away from him entirely? I was so shocked that I just nodded. He smiled. Then, he took the car and drove away, leaving me in Venice or wherever in Africa we were.

"WAIT! Edward!" I tried to run after him. See, in my mind I could outrun cars. I stopped after about two miles. "That's my rental car." I called after him. Since I was so slow in running, he was probably in Forks. So, with no car and no money (I thought I didn't need money because I was in a foreign country with no one I knew; I didn't even pack clothes.) I just walked. I walked for three days. Then, I heard a siren. I thought I was saved!

"Isabella Swan?" They called. My eye twitched.

"That's me!" I ran to them.

"Stop right there! Put your hands where I can see them!" They called, pointing guns at me.

I stopped. I held up my hands. "What's this about?"

"You're under arrest for stealing a rental car."

Shit. I was going to hunt Edward down and pathetically ask him to take me back for this.

They sent me back to Forks. Since Charlie was a cop, he used his powers to let me go. This was justice, I was told. We drove home in, yep, silence.

"Dad. Edward left me and my life has lost meaning." I told him when I could no longer take the silence.

"Hm. As an unfit parent, I say we stalk him and unfairly blame him for the series of murders happening here, even though they happened when you guys were away!" He told me happily.

"Oh yay! I love ya Daddy!" I exclaimed.

"uhm.. Thanks. I love spending time with you! Oh wait no, that's a lie. You're boring, awkward, and you can never really do expressions." He mused.

"But you're supposed to love me!" I cried.

"I do. But as a friend... not as a daughter. I'm sorry." He told me, smiling sheepishly. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Hey, sorry if the events/time stuff is wrong. I haven't read Eclipse, I just used wikipedia, my friends, and trailers for help. **

* * *

When we arrived home, I realized that I had not taken a bath since Venice. Or wherever I was. I decided to take a bath, so that I could stalk Edward easily. This decision was the biggest decision of my day.

After my warm bath, I went up to my room to read some more. I preferred to re-read books I have read four times each than watching television. This is a good character trait, made especially to influence girls and Twi-moms to read. However this is not a book review, so I won't mention the books I read. (For all you know it could be alphabet books.) I don't know what time I fell asleep, partly because I couldn't read the time on the clock.

"Bella. Hey wake up." I felt Charlie shaking me.

"What?" I muttered, still sleepy.

"College Interviews." He told me. He stood up, got a bucket of water and poured it all over me.

I sat up immediately. "YAY. Now I'm awake."

(At the Campus)

"What are you doing here?" Somebody yelled to me. I turned.

"Edward!" I cried. I ran to him.

"Nooo. Restraining order." He held up his hands to stop me.

"Oh yeah, I had my daddy take care of it. It's gone. Null and Void." I smiled. "We can finally be together. You aren't gay anymore!" I jumped up and down.

Edward was speechless. Then, the horror dawned on him. He looked disgusted. I took that as a sign of his undying love. I could see tears forming in his eyes.

"AAAW. You're so happy you're crying." I smiled, touched.

He started crying. I didn't go to the interview. But since Charlie was a cop, that got me in. This was justice.


	3. Chapter 3

Behind Edward's back, Jacob and I were writing letters (apparently werewolves don't do e-mail).

_Dear Bella, I need to see you. The desire to see you is uncomparable. I miss you so much, it's like losing a part of a motorcycle. Like the wheels or something. This is so romantic. Let's meet up for some burgers or steak. Because I'm THAT romantic. And I eat food. Suck it Cullen. If he's reading. Anyway, write back soon._  
_-Jacob_

_Dear Jacob,_  
_Thanks. I miss you too, I guess. I mean, it was fun using you and all. Sure, burgers sound... fun. Bye. Oh and you can e-mail me you know. Here's my e-add: EdwardCullenisLyf -Bella_

_Dear Bella,_  
_I don't do e-mail. Follow me on twirter though. ObsessedPedo. I miss you and I need to see you. I love you and can provide for you more. Sure, Edward's rich and smart. But I'm a mechanic. YEAH!_  
_-Jacob_

_Dear Jacob,_  
_Cool. I want to visit you, but I have no idea where you are. Plus, you're supposed to come to me because this whole series proves that females can't do anything without a male even though the author is a female. Sorry._  
_-Bella_

I felt guilty doing this behind Edward's back. Like literally, he's right in front of me right now, reading.

"Edward, I need to tell you something."

"You're moving?" He asked, smiling.

"No." His face fell.

"Oh. I was kinda hoping.."

"I've been writing to Jacob for a while now."

"That's.. How could you?" He angrily cried.

"I'm sorry!"

"Don't you know there's e-mail! You're killing trees!"

"Wait. That's what your mad about?"

"YEAH!"

"But, Jacob and I.."

"Bella. Whatever, talk to who ever you want."

"You're not jealous?"

"Neh." He went back to reading.

I cried a little. Then I wrote to Jacob.

_Dear Jacob,_  
_Guess what? I was using you again! This time to make Edward jealous. But it didn't work so this will be the last letter I will write to you. -Bella_

_Dear Bella, Since I love you, I don't care. By the way, the search is on for Edward because apparently he killed some people._  
_-Jacob_

Hm. So Charlie really did frame Edward. Good, that gives us a reason to spend time together. You know, since I was the daughter of the cop, Charlie could smuggle me in to see him all the time if he was convicted.

"Hey, Edward." He looked up from his book.

"Yeah?"

"We gotta go back to Forks."

"Why?"

"Whole town thinks you killed somebody."

"Cool. Let's go then.

* * *

**:P Was i right about the letters? if not then oh well.**


	4. Chapter 4

"The murders are caused by new vampires that thirst for blood." Edward told Charlie in the interogation room.

"Vampires, you mean like the scary, Dracula kind?" Charlie asked.

"Yup. Except, pathetic not scary."

"Ok. You're free to go."

"Wait. What? I thought I was a suspect." Edward replied.

"You are. But you're no vampire."

"I am! I am! Please! Anything to get away from" Edward sneered. "Bella."

"Sorry. You and my daughter will get married. I'll expose your secret if you don't."

"What secret? Everybody knows!"

"That you're a vampire?" Charlie was shocked.

"Oh that? I thought you meant that I used to be gay. No! Don't expose the vampire thing!"

"You used to be gay? Anyway, I won't. If you marry Bella."

Edward nodded. "Fine."

The reason I know this is because I was on the other side, behind the mirror. Plus I tape recorded it so I remember it, word for word. When I heard Edward and I were to be married I jumped up and down like a crazy maniac. (I probably was.)

Edward got out of the room.

"Well. I guess we have to get married." He told me. His face was blank now. The shock took emotion from him. I bet he was really happy!

"Oh yay! Then we can have as many beautiful, awkward children as possible!" I danced aroung him. He grimaced. He went to his volvo and rode home. I smiled at where he left. Then, I turned and went home with Charlie.

Charlie and I were eating dinner. Dinner Charlie cooked.

"Shouldn't I cook? After all, it is said that my good cooking skills are a great character trait." I told him while he was making eggs.

"There's no law that says I can't cook in my own house. I think. I don't know, I don't really know laws. Only the funny ones from Google." He told me. He was busy making the eggs and fried chicken for dinner.

"Well?"

"It worked. Your cooking skills will have me crapping till I become annorexic." I smiled at him.

"So I m thinking maybe you deserve a parole for good behavior. For a teenager, you re amazingly non-whiney." He told me.

"Really?" I smiled. It's good somebody thought that.

He cracked up. "NO!" He laughed so hard he was crying. "You're whiney, annoying, and awkward! Plus all you care about is Edward!" He pounded the table.

"Oh. But I want a parole!" I whined.

"See my point?" Charlie was strangely wordy and smart today.  



	5. Victim POV

****

The murder part.. thing. haha i just needed a break from Bella

* * *

_RANDOM PERSON'S POV_

Somebody knocked. I had recently read about the series of murders around Forks, so naturally, I was hesitant to open.

"Who is it?" I asked. I could keep my voice from shaking. On my leg, I felt Mr. Sparkles rub his fur.

"Delivery."

I let out a breath of relief. I purchased some notebooks (no really, the paper kind) from the near school supplies store earlier. I was too busy to carry them and bring them home with me that time, so I had them delivered.

"Hold on." I unlocked the door.

"Are you a Ms. Victeem?" The young man asked.

"Yes." I smiled.

"Sign here." I got the paper and signed. That was the last thing I ever did. Except for this part of the story of course.


	6. Chapter 6

I tagged along with Charlie when I heard of the new murders. How else am I going to document everything?

"Good Morning Officer!" A chipper cop greeted.

"Good Morning! What do we have here?" Charlie asked.

"She's been bitten. Probably by a snake because there are two wounds. Probably not because there's no venom." He replied, suddenly turning serious.

"Yup. This is probably a vampire." Charlie nodded to him.

"Like Dracula?"

"Nope. Like the Cullens."

"They're vampires?"

"What? No. Who said that?" Charlie chuckled nervously.

"You!"

"What? You're crazy. I didn't say that. You're fired!" Charlie yelled. The cop cried all the way home.

"Edward said it was probably a new breed of vampires." I told him.

"Call him."

"YAY! Now I have a reason!" I danced around. I called him. He was on speed dial number 1 through 10.

"Hello?"

"EDWARD! It's me! You're fiance!"

"Who?"

"Bella." I was hurt. I knew he loved me. Some how.

"Oh. What do you want?"

"You!" I giggled.

He sighed. "Did you actually need something?"

"Yeah. You said the murders are caused by new vampires?"

"Yup. Victoria, her fake boyfriend Riley who ain't got nothing on me!, and a bunch of nameless vampires with little to no importance. I think most of the killings are by Riley. They kill for school supplies, because they have no money to buy some."

"Good thing I put you on speaker because you said so much that my little brain can not comprehend!" I told him.

"Duh. Anyway, what else?"

"Do you know where they could strike next?" Charlie asked him.

"Yup. A midnight sale for school supplies, a day before school starts. We, the Cullens, would fight him but we're outnumbered."

"Take the wolves with you!"

"We're not friends. They stole my candy bar. Jerks."

"Please?"

"Ok. Fine. You tell them." Then, he hung up.

I wrote a letter to Jacob.

Dear Jacob, I'll fake liking you again! We need your help to fight new vampires. They are killing for school supplies. They must be stopped.  
Bella

Dear Bella,  
OMG! School supplies must be shared! The wolves and I will help!  
Jacob

Well, we got that covered. 


	7. Chapter 7

That morning, we met up with the kitties- i mean rabid, scary wolves. We had to discuss a plan because the midnight sale was tonight. The new vampires would attack then, killing millions of innocent store goers. The store goers were only there for the notebooks.

"So, how do we do this?" Jacob asked. He wasn't really the brainy type. At least he's pretty.

"We pretend we're shop goers, shopping for notebooks. Then, when they least expect it, we jump and fight!" Alice, ever the genius, answered.

"So, like, why?" Rosalie asked us. She was twirling her hair.

"The notebooks Rosalie! The notebooks!" Edward replied urgently.

"We need them. To take notes!" Emmett agreed. Not that he would ever take notes; he can't even spell his name.

"So it's a plan. We can sense them." Leader of the wolves told us.

"Yeah." Minor wolves whose names are unimportant agreed in unison.

"HEY!" Minor wolf #1 yelled. "How come we always have to speak in unison? Why can't we have more scenes that show character development?"

"Because," Minor wolf #2 replied. "We don't have anything important to say that Jacob or the leader hasn't already said. Plus, if the main characters don't have any character development, why should we?"

"True." Minor wolf #1 nodded. "Carry on then."

"Anyway...We'll camp out here for a while." Esme told us. Notice how the lines are distributed among the important characters? This is to help boost self-esteem and so that Twi-fans won't be all "AAW! WHERE'S MY EMMETT?" and etc. Anyway..

Once all was calm and setting up tent (in the parking lot of the mall), I grabbed Edward so we could talk about the wedding.

"Where do you want it to be?" I asked him, pen and paper ready.

"Wherever." He muttered angrily.

"Ok. Noted. How many guests?"

"See if I care."

"Ok. OOH. Caterers?"

"Bleh."

"Hm. Flowers?"

"Do what you want."

I was about to say "Chips and dips" when I saw movement from the bushes.

"Wait a while." I told Edward. He rolled his eyes.

I crept up slowly to the shirtless figure (in my mind I could hears fans going "KYAAA"). "Jacob?" I asked.

"So you and sparkles are getting married huh?" He told me bitterly.

"Yup."

"Am I invited?"

"Yup."

Jacob burst into tears.

"If you don't want to go, it's ok."

"You don't want me there!" Jacob cried.

"That's not what I meant. What's up with you?"

"But I love you!" He yelled, ignoring my last comment.

"Cool. Thanks. Bye." I walked away.

As I was walking I saw Jasper. I walked up to him.

"Why do you keep staring?"

"I'm not. It's a chronic condition. I was born without eyelids, therefore I can not blink. I'm sorry if it's creepy." Jasper told me, tears welling up.

Well, that explains a lot, if not all. 


	8. Chapter 8

"Everybody, listen up!" Carlisle called out. He waved his hands to get people's attention. Naturally, since he was beautiful, everybody listened. "It's almost midnight! We must prepare."

If you were one of the unfortunate people who saw all of us outside the mall, I'm sorry. Maybe you saw the wolves phasing. Maybe you saw the vampires stay still or drink blood. Or maybe you just saw how ridiculous and pathetic we looked, standing outside the mall. Either way, this is what you didn't see..

The vampires, after hearing this, started getting blocks of metal. They sharpened their teeth. Emmett sharpened his teeth using a pencil sharpener. How? I don't know. The werewolves started flexing their muscles. Some were comparing.

"My biceps are HUGE!" Minor character #1 said. He flexed.

Minor character #2 scoffed playfully. "No way! Lookit mine!" He argued.

This went on for a while. And I, the only human, simply stared. The vampires were sharpening their fangs gracefully and beautifully. The werewolves were rough and beautiful. Everybody was beautiful. Except I, because I suffer from low self-esteem.

"It's time." Alice said. This seems to be her favorite line. (FLASHBACK: "It's time it's time." Alice exclaimed before I bashed my arm on the table.)

"Yes." Jasper agreed.

"I agree." Rosalie said.

"So do I!" Emmett called after.

"Me too!" Esme told us.

"That's my line!" Carlisle laughfingly told us.

"Haha." Edward chuckled.

"Hmm." Jacob nodded.

This is how I was able to distribute all the lines. Anyway, from far away, we heard:

"THE MIDNIGHT SALE OFFICIALLY BEGINS." It was on speaker.

"ATTACK!" All of us yelled! We ran. Then we stopped near the entrance to have the guards check our bags. 


	9. Finale

"Hello Cullens. Wolves. Mary-Sue." Riley, the newborn (according to Edward), greeted. He was standing near the pencils, Victoria at his side. Behind him were many other newborns, sniffing folders and such.

Emmett waved. Esme pulled his arm down and took away his lollipop.

"We don't wanna fight!" Carlisle yelled.

"Ok.. No need to yell, I'm right in front of you." Victoria frowned.

"You'll never buy your school supplies." Riley added.

And so the fight began. Folders, notebooks, and pens flew everywhere. I hid underneath some tables. I saw Edward flinging crayons at vampires. Since this was a pathetic story, the vampires were easily defeated.

After three hours of this I got bored and fell asleep.

"Bella. It's done." Jacob yanked me upward, hitting my head on the table.

"Really?" I asked as I was rubbing my bleeding forehead.

"Yeah, you know how these tween vampire crap is. Crappy battle that the good guys always win." Jacob rolled his eyes.

"I see. Where's Edward?" I asked, looking around for my painfully beautiful hubby.

"Dead." Jacob simply said.

"What?"

"Neh. He ran away. He told me to tell you he died, so you wouldn't chase him. Ah well."

"Nooooo!" I yelled in agony. Beside me, Jacob howled. "I will find you Edward!" 


End file.
